btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
