I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
