This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
