Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
