Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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