my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
