Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize