Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
