I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
