12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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