Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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