Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
