when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
