Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
