She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
