And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
