Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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