you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
