first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
