her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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