He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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