my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize