I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
