I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
