Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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