My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
