Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
