a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
