What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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