last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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