There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
