i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
