The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
if only i could text you this smell
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
