You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
