I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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