New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My balls are so social today.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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