Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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