he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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