You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
