6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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