Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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