So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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