If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize