and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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