is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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