you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
