I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
