I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize