I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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