I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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