just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
