So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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