he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
