I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
