I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
All the doctor said was why
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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