The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
