Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
