found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
