it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
