Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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