dude i'm inner monologue high
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
