Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize